1. Listening is learning, so pay attention to what your classmates(and their screaming parents)are saying.
2. “Sorry, my ex is spying on me, so the camera has to stay off, professor”.
3. Interrupt a 200-student lecture on the Ubermensch for permission to use the bathroom in your own f***king house.
4. Make sure to be typing furiously, even if it’s gibberish, to maintain the illusion of due diligence.
5. Cough loud enough to shut down the zoom class out of fear of online transmission.
6. Get your 12-year old sibling to wear a mask when she pretends to be you the next day. Regret it when the professor praises you for your “brave fluidity”
7. Team work makes the dream work re: group chats!
8. Come up with new excuses. For instance,“I got to keep my eyes shut till the Winter Solstice, I read an article in The Onion that said the higher my screen time, the more acetic acid in my large intestine”
9. Only leave the class for an emergency, like a…..carefully-planned kitchen fire?
10. Decontaminate, decimate, defenestrate your laptop
Our mascot writes all ALMA Staff pieces. ORI is whimsical and unpredictable; we’ve tried being friends with him and failed.
