This handbook has been put together by leading experts of the trade, namely Bhogi, Jignesh, and Papi. Our big ad budgets sustain billboards to this effect, but even without them, you’d know we’re pretty good at what we do, because words speak louder than actions.

Chap I: Pandemic Inception:

1. Begin by mustering up all the apathy your ruthlessness can bolster. After all, both fascism and pandemics kill thousands, so leave no room for empathy to slither in.
2. Remember that handling a pandemic is a feature of restraining your actions, let Jesus—I meant Lord Rama take the wheel err—Vimana?
3. Announce a lockdown with no planning and no warning. Watch migrant workers walk a 1000 kilometres in the sun with  children on their shoulders. Get the police to beat them up, maybe?
4. Boast— about how you got everything under control long before you really do, because manifestation is the cornerstone of good governance. Then start exporting resources to show off that 56 inch swagger, Papi.
5. Display how selective pseudoscience works: tell one set of believers their festivals are super spreaders, and the other that their faith is the only Covishield they need. It’s also the only one they’re going to get, but that’s not important right now. 
6. They’re asking about “healthcare?” Surely the masses could DIY something at home? If lemon and ginger don’t work, then recommend Yoga or capitalise quackery.

Chap II: Peak Pandemic:

1. Organise the largest religious gathering on the face of the Earth! Who cares, as long as you get some w**d hits in Rishikesh. Because if one of the most polluted rivers in the world can wash off your sins, it can definitely wash off a virus.
2. Are you blazed enough? Good. There’s millions of maskless commoners at your election rally, who you’ll bait by offering free vaccines. Sure, death is bad, but losing to some commies? At their own game? So much worse.
3. After you realise you’ve fucked up, fudge figures, because which fascist ever cared about truth? Bust out the G-Trifecta: Girlboss vaccines, Gaslight victims and Gatekeep data!
4. Make sure all Indian celebrities stay in Maldives. Ask the narcotics department to threaten them if they try to come back before 2031.
5. When someone broadcasts your meeting, throw a tantrum because no one can broadcast meetings on a day when the supreme leader has not combed his beard.
6. When people ask for beds, act confused. For you beds are an abomination because you sleep for a meagre 4 hours on your mansion’s cold hard floor. When hospitals beg for oxygen— say it’s already there (in the air). When people die— deny it. 
7. Things get bad—the international media calls you a murderer. But it’s all fine—they have a Rihanna? You raise them Kangana.  
8. Pat yourself on the back! You’re excelling at the job. Let the beard free, because nothing and no-one else is. 

Post-Pandemic:

If you’ve followed this guide diligently, by the end of it all you should have successfully perfected bhakt-bread, laundered civilian money through your caring ‘small business’, and compromised a democratic institution or two. Now you just have to get everybody to forget about the whole mass-death-thing, which you will be able to do quite easily if you purchase the “Pandemic Handbook for Veteran Fascists”. Congratulations for now! You turned a crisis into a lifestyle for billions of Indians. Enjoy another decade in your parthenon and make the most of those vaccination funds!

ALMA Staff

Our mascot writes all ALMA Staff pieces. ORI is whimsical and unpredictable; we’ve tried being friends with him and failed.