They said it couldn’t happen again.

They said humanity had matured—grown out of its adolescence of nation-states, flags, and blood-flecked rhetoric. They said the world was too interconnected, too enlightened, too busy streaming prestige dramas to care about real ones.

And yet, here we are again.

Dust off your bunker plans and rehearse your monologues—conflict is back in style.

Introducing the 2024 DIY World Conflict Starter Kit™, a comprehensive toolkit for today’s overstretched strongmen, flailing democrats, and mildly fascist late-stage capitalists who just want to feel something. Whether you’re plunging in the polls or simply miss the thrill of declaring things “non-negotiable,” this kit comes with everything you need to manufacture, escalate, and awkwardly justify a geopolitical confrontation that absolutely nobody asked for.

Your kit arrives with a fully poseable leader figurine, equipped with 3 to 5 conflicting ideologies and a detachable moral compass (easily lost). You may receive the “Nostalgic Revisionist,” who dreams of golden ages that never existed, or the “Accidental Demagogue,” who began life as a meme and now commands a fleet. Some versions even come dressed as technocrats—doves who recently discovered ballistics and can’t seem to put them down.

All figures come with a proprietary “My Hands Are Tied” feature, which explains every questionable decision with a shrug and a press briefing.

A Rolodex of Historical Grievances

Of course, no conflict is complete without a well-curated library of grievances. The starter kit includes a flipbook of ancient treaties, faded colonial maps, territorial ambiguities, and misquoted philosophers—all of which can be weaponized at press conferences, in social media threads, or within TikToks set to ominous orchestral remixes.

Tariff Cards (Now With 400% More Symbolism!)

Economy got you down? Nothing riles up the base like a good old-fashioned trade tantrum.

Each set includes:

•Random steel, wheat, or semiconductor tariffs

•Sanctions with vague objectives

•Statements like “We are not targeting the people of [redacted]”

Use them to confuse your opponents, test your own economists’ loyalty, or simply to distract from your infrastructure bill being quietly gutted.

Geopolitical Discourse Generator™

Need a statement at 3 AM? Just push a button.

This AI-powered tool outputs perfectly ambiguous declarations like:

•“We will not tolerate aggression in any form.”

•“Our red line is firm but flexible.”

•“This is not a war, it’s a calibrated kinetic correction.”

Can also generate press-ready hashtags such as #PeaceWithStrength, #ProsperityThroughPrecision, and #GlobalStability2.0.

Drone Decals and Talking Points

Your airstrikes now come with customizable decals—choose from national flags, emojis, or QR codes that link to patriotic Spotify playlists.

Includes a 20-page guide titled “How to Say ‘This Is Not An Escalation’ With Conviction.”

Also contains quotes from famous peacemakers taken wildly out of context.

One Disposable Proxy State (Reusable!)

Every good war kit needs a playing field, and that’s where our reusable proxy state module comes in. Each flashpoint is equipped with a confusing alphabet soup of factions, a strategically valuable natural resource, and a population already exhausted by four previous interventions. Think of it as Airbnb for ideologically convenient battlefields: familiar, customizable, and nobody stays too long.

Optional Add-On: The Buffet of Denial

Perfect for summits, galas, and G20 photo ops.

Eat hors d’oeuvres in a glass dome while the world outside simmers. Features platters of:

•Condolences

•Vague concerns

•Nonbinding resolutions

Now with new flavors like “deep regret,” “shared responsibility,” and “we are monitoring the situation closely.”

And Finally… a Fresh Suit for the Speech

Because nothing says “measured statesman” like a tailored jacket and a subtly trembling voice.

End your conflict kit experience with a primetime address, ideally against a tasteful backdrop: a night sky, a war memorial, or a flag you barely believe in anymore.

Remember: it’s not about what you’re saying—it’s about how presidential you look saying it.

DISCLAIMER:

The makers of the 2024 DIY World Conflict Starter Kit™ are not liable for the collapse of supply chains, refugee crises, civil unrest, or the reemergence of Cold War aesthetics in pop music videos.

Side effects may include:

•Sudden nationalism

•Selective memory

•Satirical columns that hit a little too close to home

In the end, every generation believes it’s too clever to repeat the past—until someone hands them a toy box, calls it strategy, and tells them to play grown-up. History doesn’t always repeat itself, but it does have a twisted sense of humor. And if this is how we face the world—armed with nostalgia, algorithms, and a plastic podium—we may not need enemies. Just mirrors.

Sleep tight. Assembly instructions not included.

ALMA Staff

Our mascot writes all ALMA Staff pieces. ORI is whimsical and unpredictable; we’ve tried being friends with him and failed.