One morning I woke up to laughter. Laughter. I knew it must be a dream. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking I’d wake up in reality. And then I heard the cooker whistle go off. A clanking sound followed. Fresh rice must be on the way. What was the rush to reality again?
Could I stay here a little longer? Yes.
I opened my eyes and sat up. The warm bed didn’t make a squeak when I got down from it. That was unusual for a tall woman like me. I looked outside the window to see my mother’s tiny garden in full bloom, every leaf soaking the sunlight, and my little brother laughing as he played with the neighbourhood puppy. I could join them. My brother was as tall as my knees, and the puppy was perhaps just slightly larger than my arm. It wouldn’t be a fair competition, but it would be fun.
I walked out of the room to the hall. The walls of the house were decorated with my boxing medals. Among them, a photo frame of me holding the state championship trophy and newspaper clippings of my local wins.
Sure enough, my dead father welcomed me in with a gentle smile tucked under his moustache.
“Rani! Beta, we’ve been waiting for you. It’s almost afternoon.”
My mother appeared from the kitchen with a plate of kadhi and fresh chawal and placed it in front of him.
“Rani, this one is for your Papa. If you want pakodis, I’ll give you some separately. Don’t steal from him.”
They shared a tender look at the warning. As soon as she was out of the room, he handed me a pakodi from his plate.
“Don’t worry. I got you. Won’t tell Ma.”
I extended my hand to grab it. Darkness took over.
“Rani! Rani!”
I woke up to yelling. Rajesh was shaking my shoulder, yelling my name in my ear, the kind that makes you hate the sound of your own name. I had opened my eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to sit up. My feet were hanging over the edge of the tiny bed frame, and I tucked them in.
“Today is the 31st! Rani, wake up!” His yelling had a desperate tinge to it now.
Rajesh was a simple man. If he was happy, he wanted me to laugh with him. If he was sad, he wanted me to cry for him. If he was panicking, he couldn’t bear for me to be at rest.
I took a deep breath, threw off the thin bedsheet we use as a blanket, and turned to him.
“I know it’s the 31st. It’s going to be crazy at the club today. You know I won’t get any sleep tonight, then why—”
“If you don’t figure out something quick, we both are going to be sleeping on the roads. Do you understand that? Seth ji had told us to clear the dues within this month. He won’t renew the lease in January if we don’t. I checked our balance online, and we’re still 8000 short!”
Rajesh looked me straight in the eyes as he reminded me of our crisis. There was such clarity and sincerity pooled in those eyes. He was a gifted liar indeed.
“That’s not possible. I checked it myself the day before yesterday,” I said.
“Well, are you saying I’m lying? Check it again if you want!”
My head was starting to feel heavy. I was too tired to go through the motions this morning. He convinces himself he’s right, offers proof, gets offended when asked for proof, leaves in a huff, and returns when the matter is resolved. And I would let him. This time, I didn’t even want to know if he lent it to a friend, lost it on a scheme, or just lusted after too many women online. I was tired.
“No. I must’ve calculated wrong. I’ll ask Manish Bhai at the club today,” I said.
“Exactly. I was also going to suggest it. We can repay him next month.”
As per my last calculation, I owed Manish Bhai more than my monthly salaries, combined. Manish Bhai was supporting his father, his wife, and his three children. And I was going to ask him for a loan again. Yes.
“There’s this flat behind the park that’s definitely going to sell within the week. My commission is going to be juicy. So… nothing to worry about. But ask him soon, okay!” Rajesh sighed in relief.
I started folding the bedsheet, nodding along. My shift as a club bouncer started at 6:30 pm. My other job as a gym helper was thankfully off today. But it didn’t seem like I’d be able to catch a few more hours of sleep.
“Rani. I hope you don’t think you’re doing me a favour. I’m just asking for a loan, not selling your medals like your Papa.”
I finished folding and plopped up the thin, worn-out pillows. My silence made him think that I was either upset or in agreement. But it didn’t seem to matter.
“Aye, Rani,” Rajesh whispered, craning his neck towards me. I knew that look in his eyes.
He got up and extended his hands towards my face. Darkness took over.
I woke up in a field. It was my father’s field, on a cot in the makeshift shed. I could tell straight away from the scent of the soil and the inexplicable humming sound that loomed over it. My brother and I had conjectured that it was a choir of insects with the electrical wires as their orchestra. The sky was grey; it was about to rain.
“Rani!”
I got up from the cot to see my mother rushing towards me. With furrowed brows, her steps picked up pace. And just as she reached me—smack!— right in the middle of my back, she hit me.
“What is wrong with you? Just because you are a little sturdy, do you think you are a boy? In today’s time, even they aren’t safe. And you? Lying here like a buffalo. Come inside. It’s going to rain.”
She yanked my hand and started marching back to our home, pulling me close behind.
Now, this I knew to be impossible. My mother was a dainty woman — half my weight and one-third my height. I exerted force to stop her, but she pulled me again like swatting a fly.
This was a strange dream. And when did I fall asleep again, I wondered?
“Ma. Am I dreaming?” I asked.
She abruptly stopped to turn to me.
“What?”
“Is this a dream? Ma. I feel… strange.”
My mother looked at me for a moment, concern passing through her eyes. Until I heard a loud twig break apart at the same time that my whole face shifted to the left side. Ah, I’d just been slapped.
She started screaming in whispers.
“Dream? Strange? Are you doing things you shouldn’t be doing? Are you training with the wrong things? Is this why you were napping in the field in the middle of the day?”
I felt like I’d heard these words before. Or a version of these words. Maybe it was the day I’d fallen asleep after lunch in the fields. My mother had come to collect me and scolded me all the way back to the house for being alone and irresponsible. But that was when I was 14 years old. I wasn’t 14 years old now, was I?
My mother held my hand tighter than before and pulled me closer, trying to make me follow. Darkness took over.
I woke up on a rusted bench, smoke and filth in the air around me. Manish Bhai’s face was inches away from mine. He had lifted an eyelid with his thumb.
“Rani! You awake?” He patted my cheeks.
I blinked harder and sat up straighter. Manish Bhai instinctively stepped back.
“You scared me, woman. I thought you were possessed. I’ve never seen you doze on the job. And I called out, like, so many times!” he ranted.
My head felt heavy, but my vision was getting clear again. The posters of the New Year Gala were all around me. It was the smoking area behind the club’s kitchen.
“I don’t know. Maybe I ate something wrong. Or I’m too sleep-deprived. It’s strange,” I said.
He extended the water bottle in his hand to me.
“It is strange. It’s strange to see you like this. You are a tough girl. And we have a long night ahead of us. So many drunkards. So many brawls.”
I nodded along; every nod feeling like a hammer to my skull. With the way the DJ was warming up inside, I knew it was about to get worse. Every year, people arrive in hordes because their New Year party symbolizes a new beginning, new hopes, and celebrations. We hate New Year here.
“I suppose women don’t brawl. So you don’t need to be that alert,” he said at my silence.
I let out an involuntary scoff and turned to him.
“They fight. In other ways, I guess.”
“Hm, you’re right. I mean, I’ve seen women spitting on each other. Puking behind the booth sofas. Remember that woman who scratched the valet driver, but she’d never handed him the keys? She said he stole her car…” he said.
“That’s not what I meant. But…hey, did she ever apologise for it?”
“Are you mad? No. She just gave him some money to shut up about it the next time she came.”
“How much?”
“I don’t know. 8000, 10,000…something like that.”
The rest of the evening went by in a daze. The manager gathered us all, reminding us about possible situations and how to solve them. He allotted everyone our areas. He told us to be careful of people recording things. He said some generic words of motivation. I stood and listened, not as a mind but as a body. Because I felt that it was all that I was.
As midnight approached, I took my place near the doorway, standing in attention. The new joinee was already tired of her stamping duty. She was smiling and waving at some of the people around to kill time. I could not do that. As part of the job, I wasn’t supposed to appear friendly or approachable. Manish Bhai was at the other end of the door, going through the tablet, confirming reservations, and checking stags. Had I already asked him about the money?
I took a deep breath and shook my head to shake off the thought as well. If my sleep deprivation had reached the point of blackouts, maybe it was fine that Rajesh and I would be homeless tomorrow. Maybe I’d get a full night’s sleep in a lodge and start to look for a solution with a clearer head.
Groups of young folks were cackling over nothing as they came in. They seemed happy. Manish Bhai checked off their names. I eyed the ones who looked like troublemakers. The new joinee stamped their hand. Next.
“Rani, sweetie, have you been waiting for us here?”
I looked up to see my father in the line. Manish Bhai smiled at him. The new joinee stamped his extended arm. I looked around me. Yes, it was him. Standing among the sparkling crowd was my father, in his tan half-shirt and green sweater vest. Smiling at me.
“I’m going in now. Don’t train too hard, okay. Come join us afterwards.”
He glided inside the club doors.
Maybe it was too late for me. I leaned over to Manish Bhai.
“Did you just see my father walk in?” I asked.
“What?”
I felt faint on my feet. The heaviness of my head disappeared. But it was quickly being replaced by extreme lightness. I was about to close my eyes when—
“Rani! Rani!” a young employee yelled, running towards me.
He barely managed to get his words out in the middle of huffing.
“They are fighting in the parking area. I don’t know. Something about creepy photos. Women there. You need to go!”
I put on my gloves. Slicked back my hair. Throwing my shoulders back, I could hear the announcer say my name and credentials and my opponents. ‘Who’s tougher than you, Rani?’ I asked myself. The lights near the ring are blinding until you’re right under them, fighting to win.
I stepped outside to see a jeep turning to the main road. The driver was clearly inebriated, and so were his friends who were cheering him on. Two women were trying to block the path of the car. They were screaming, asking to see their phones.
This was Rani’s ring. Towering over one of the women, I easily pulled her to the side. The car honking had gotten more aggressive. The other woman was flipping off the driver. His friends rolled down the window to swear at the woman. As I tried to pull the other woman out of the way, I could hear humming. No traffic, no fighting…only the gentle humming that hovers over a field. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could smell kadhi chawal too. But Manish Bhai’s voice broke my thoughts.
“Rani, be careful! Rani. Rani!”
The woman I had grabbed tried to get loose and shoved me onto the main road.
Darkness took over.
The next morning, I woke up to laughter.
